Sex secrets about men women should know
One: Men often express themselves sexually when they can’t express themselves emotionally. Many men have trouble verbalizing vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, helplessness, disappointment. They often use sex as an outlet for these unspoken emotions.
Becoming intimate at such times can create problems: the husband experiences a physical release, but he doesn’t resolve the emotional tension he feels inside. The wife feels offended by lovemaking that mainly serves to relieve his frustrations.
Over the years, I have asked countless men what they were feeling when they made love to their wives in such situations. Most often the answer is this: They wanted to know someone was on their side. Being sexual was the only way they knew how to reach out for reassurance and comfort.
Gary and Fran were a typical case. “When Gary is upset about something, he won’t talk about it, “Fran told me. “Instead, he becomes sexually aggressive.” Gar acknowledged that Fran was right. This shared insight came as a great relief to the couple. “Now,” Fran reports, “whenever Gary is tense, we take time to hold each other. Afterward we feel truly connected.”
The next time you sense that your husband’s advances are covering up suppressed emotions, try to make it safe for him to share his feelings. Say, “Honey, hold me close for a while.” Then ask what’s on his mind. You’ll both feel more intimate, and any lovemaking that follows will be truly passionate.
Two: Men are attracted to confident women. The women I see often complain that their husband doesn’t really appreciate them and that as a couple they usually end up discussing his interests rather than hers.
What is often apparent, however, is that women downplay themselves to make their husbands feel important. Ellen complained that Andy belittled her job until she realized that she had actually been doing so herself. It was a habit developed as a child, when her parents told her not to tell her brother about her higher grades. “No wonder I don’t feel appreciated by Andy,” Ellen admitted.
Millions of talented women minimize their achievements, thinking they will be less threatening and therefore more attractive to the men they love. Instead, their achievements, thinking they will be less threatening and therefore more attractive to the men they love. Instead, their partners may be turned off if they perceive this behavior as false modesty.
Men who are trained to be competent are usually attracted to women with the same qualities. I have interviewed hundreds of men, and almost all agreed that a self confident woman is very appealing.
I frequently ask women in my seminars to write down their talents, good qualities and successes and share the list with their husband. They report that their spouses were surprised and delighted to discover more positive characteristics about the women they love.
Three: Men don’t like to be treated like children. The more you act like your husband’s mother, the more he will treat you like his mother. It is impossible for him to see you in a romantic way when you are picking lint off his clothes, reminding him to do his chores and otherwise treating him like a child.
Why do women mother men? One woman put it this way: “Whenever I feel I’m not getting enough attention from, Charlie, I fall back into the mothering mode – bake his favorite dishes and organize his drawers. What I really want is more affection and intimacy, but what I get is the grateful son thanking me for being so considerate.”
Watching your own mother when you were growing up, you learned to be nurturing, selfless and attentive to others’ needs. When you found yourself in a relationship with a man, you unconsciously started mothering him. Initially, men love the attention. But the more a woman plays the maternal role, the more difficult it may be for her husband to see her in an erotic way.
How can you break this habit?
When your husband asks where his keys are, force yourself to say, “I don’t know,” and let him look for them himself. Don’t pick up after him or suggest what clothes he should wear. Instead, treat him as a competent, reliable person.
At first, your life may become more chaotic – you may be late for a party because he can’t find his keys, for example. Soon, though, he will recognize that you are leaving these things up to his – and he will again see you as the woman he chose.
Four: Husbands love wives who enjoy them physically sex. There is a difference between making love and having sex. And in my interviews, the results are clear: women prefer lovemaking and men prefer spontaneous, playful sex.
Karen and Tim, both in their 30s, came to me complaining about their marital life. Karen thought Tim was interested only in sex, while Time complained that Karen was interest only in romance.Karen, like many women, assumed that when Time was interest in sex, he wasn’t feeling in love with her. He was just using her. But the opposite was true. Tim said he felt more love for his wife when he was passionate.
They agreed to try an experiment. Tim would talk about his loving feelings, and Karen would try harder to simply enjoy their physical relationship.
The results were immediate and positive. Karen said she understood that when her husband desires her, it really is because he loves her.
Five: Why he may be different afterward. One woman nicknamed her husband “the frog,” because right after they made love, he leaped out of bed. Lying there made him restless, he said. But his wife suspected he was just trying to put some emotional distance between them.
Countless women have complained that their husbands are withdrawn after lovemaking. What they don’t understand is that men do this to regain control over their emotions. A powerful self-image is important to most men, and dropping their defenses so totally can be psychologically threatening.
A man I once treated said that lovemaking was the one experience in which he felt totally free to express himself emotionally. But afterward, he felt he had to “pull himself together and get back to being a man.”
If this rings true for you, try to agree on some form of compromise. Some couples find that the husband needs at least a few minutes of quiet before he is ready to cuddle and talk. Understanding this need could increase your appreciation for all the quiet moments you share.
NOW THAT THE SECRETS ARE OUT, use them to build a bridge of understanding. After all, men and women want the same things – to love the person closest to them and to be loved in return.
